Great job on your first essay! It was truly a pleasure to read. The most effective way to improve your writing is not to overwhlem you with corrections, but to guide you through the writing process. With that in mind, each writing sample that I evaluate will have minor corrections on the assignment itself, which I will scan and send to you. I will also give you three tips on ways to improve your writing and three things that I think you did well.
- Using paragraphs is extremely important in writing. A paragraph separates main ideas of your story and makes your writing easy to follow for the reader. For this assignment, you need to use five different paragraphs: an opening, three body paragraphs and a conclusion. Go through your writing and separate your story into three different sections and make those your body paragraphs. Use one paragraph to introduce your story and sum it all up in your conclusion.
- Never write in the essay, or I am going to tell you why you are writing about something. Show the reader why you are writing about something, don’t tell them.
- You have several incomplete sentences throughout your writing. Try reading your writing out loud, to see if you can catch any of those mistakes.
Things You Did Well:
- You told a great story. I was interested in what you had to say from the beginning to the end.
- You made a great attempt at a hook at the very beginning of this assignment. But, I would have started with just the sentence . . . Eye contact. And then continued my story from there.
- The vocabulary that you used was very advanced. You have a strong writing style and are very descriptive which makes your writing fun to read.
Please take the time to look over the suggestions that I have made for your writing, and re-write the assignment making the necessary changes.