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Tutoring For Your Needs • Passion For Education

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Jul 082011

Brock from California's Autobiography #1


Excellent job on your first writing assignment.  Thank you for reading the directions and trying your best to follow through on them.  This is one of the best first essay’s that I have received so far, so thank you.

Each time you submit an assignment I will scan and email you back the essay you submitted along with some things that I point out in red ink.  Be sure to look over the places that I marked so that you can make the appropriate corrections later on and also know what you did really well in your writing.  I will also tell you three things that you did well and three things that could be improved in your writing.  Here are those things now.

Things You Did Well:
  • Your thesis sentence, “It was awesome for three reasons.” is a clear and direct thesis sentence.  Although, it is not perfect, it does show that you understand what a thesis sentence is.  Many writer’s at your age do not.  You can improve your thesis sentence by being very specific. Explain what “it” is and say directly what your three reasons are.
  • The sentence, “It was like going downstairs Christmas morning and seeing all of your presents and getting to play with your new toy.” Examples like this are very interesting for people to read.  I can get a real sense about how excited you were to win the Championship.
  • The last paragraph was just one sentence, but the one sentence was very well-written.  The sentence you wrote is what I refer to as the restatement of your thesis.  Every conclusion that you write should restate your thesis in a clear and concise manner like you did in this essay.  In future conclusions, you should have more than just one sentence; however.
Needs Improvement:
  • Writer’s often use the phrase, “Show me, don’t tell me.” In your essay you were telling me what you were writing about.  For example, the first sentence, “I am writing about” and also in every body paragraph you write things like, “The first reason on why . . .” You should not use these in your writing.  Don’t tell the reader what you are writing about, simply show them.
  • In every body paragraph you wrote variations of this sentence at least once and sometimes twice . . . “why this was my most proud moment.” I like how you were specific in stating that this was a proud moment, but try different ways of saying that because it becomes a bit redundant.
  • Every essay that you write should try to “Hook” the reader into wanting to read more.  Your first sentence should always be as interesting as possible.  For this essay, try telling a story that gives people a sense of what the experience was like.  So, write a “hook” that uses a personal anecdote (a short story about yourself) at the event you described.
Excellent job on your first assignment and I can’t wait to read your revisions.  If you need clarifications on anything, send me an email and I will get back to you as soon as possible.


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