Brock from California’s Second Feedback Sample for the Autobiography

Brock's Second Feedback Sample for the Autobiography

Brock,

Thank you for re-writing the assignment.
Thing You Did Well: 

  • You used some advanced vocabulary during your writing sample.  Surreal is a great vocabulary word and you demonstrated it’s meaning well.
  • Great job at restating your thesis in your conclusion.  The only sentence you used in the conclusion is what I like to call restating your thesis.  Basically, you are rewriting your thesis, but using different words than you used earlier.  However, your conclusion should be longer.  Try using a “link” and a “clever ending” to make your essay stronger.
  • Very nice story, it sounds like you had a great time helping your team win the Championships.

Needs Improvement:

  • In every essay you write, you should start by including a “hook.” A hook is something you use to get a reader interested in what you have to say.  I have given specific directions in your next essay for how to write one example of a hook.  Be sure to follow those directions.
  • Your thesis sentence should be very specific.  The last sentence of your essay would have been much better to use in place of “It was awesome for three reasons.”  In the last sentence you explained why this was a proud moment and that’s really what your essay is all about.
  • Try not to say things like “this moment,” or “in conclusion.” They are unnecessary in your writing. If it’s your last paragraph, I know it is your conclusion.  You don’t need to say it.  Like I said before, be sure to “show and not tell.”
Outstanding job!  Your next assignment is attached to this email.
Thanks again,
Zeb

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