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Tutoring For Your Needs • Passion For Education

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Jul 312011

Brock from California's Feedback Sample for the Invention Assignment


Great job on the last assignment.  Here are my comments.
Things You Did Well:
  • Although your thesis wasn’t perfect you made it very clear what your essay and your paragraphs would be about.  One way to improve your thesis is to make sure that your thesis sentence is as clear and direct as it could possibly be.
  • In your conclusion you re-stated your thesis in a very clear manner.  That is a great way to reinforce what it is your essay was about.  Good job!
  • I like the ending to your essay.  “Go and challenge your friends today!” could be a good one too.
Needs Improvement:
  • Throughout this program, I try to teach you different techniques to improve the tools that you have to write a good essay.  For this assignment, try starting with a question “hook.” Start your essay by immediately stating three questions . . . maybe something like . . . “Are Xbox gamers really better than PS3 gamers?  Who would win the ultimate challenge?  How would we find out who was better?”  Just a suggestion, feel free to write your own questions.
  • Try to include more information in your body paragraphs and be sure to clearly state everything that can support your answer.  For example, your first paragraph would be written about why it’s important.  Then you should think of every way that this invention could be important and include that information in your body paragraphs.  Continue that for each body paragraph.
  • Don’t use things like “in conclusion” . . . it’s not necessary and detracts from your writing.
Overall, great job Brock, I look forward to your re-write.
Thanks again,

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