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Tutoring For Your Needs • Passion For Education

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Aug 012011

Brock from California's Second Draft of the Inventions Essay


Sorry for the delay.
Things You Did Well:
  • You created 3 questions as your hook for an essay.  Good job.  The “Hi, Brock McMillen here!” should not be used.
  • “This invention is the best thing since sliced bread!” is a good sentence.  It may be a bit cliche, but it gives your writing more personality.  Try not to use common sayings though . . . Maybe something like this is the best thing since the I Phone 4 . . . just an idea.
  • Good attempt at re-writing your thesis.
Needs Improvement:
  • Your thesis sentence needs to be very clear and direct.  You do label what you will be talking about in your three body paragraphs which is good, but the first part of your thesis sentence is unclear.  For example, a better thesis might have been . . . “The PS360 is important, has a wide variety of uses and can work with all types of games.”  See how it is very clearly talking about the PS360?
  • Not much changed from your first essay to your second essay.  Make sure you go over every comment and try and improve your essay as a result.  The changes you did make were really good, I would like to see more of that.
  • Avoid exclamation points.  I understand that you were trying to encourage people to get interested in your product, but exclamation points should rarely be used in essay writing for school.
Great job Brock, your next assignment is attached to this email.

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