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Things You Did Well:

• Great introduction. It was very clever and well-written.

• Good use of your imagination and creativity on this assignment. Through your writing, I can see the world that you have envisioned in the year 5500.

• You're body paragraphs were, for the most part well separated, with clear ideas.

Needs Improvement:

• Your thesis sentence, you mention how the world is smarter, and how the government and the world has fallen apart, but in your essay you don't seem to mention how the world is smarter or about the government. Your thesis should guide your essay. Your body paragraphs should be topics presented in your thesis, you should either re-write your thesis, or re-write your body paragraphs.

• Your last sentence is too long. Try to break down that last sentence into multiple sentence. The link back to your hook is good. Try to develop a clever ending to your essay.

• A lot of times you use generic adjectives. Adjectives like different, normal, lazy, etc. These adjectives are difficult to show what exactly it is you are trying to say. Try describing what makes things different, normal, or lazy and your essay will be a lot more interesting. Like my father, a reporter always says, "show me, don't tell me." Meaning show the reader what's going on, don't tell them.

Click here to see the example assignment for this essay.